And now for something completely different... Drawing on the classic geek tradition of pitting two sci-fi/fantasy characters against one another to determine superiority, I give you Sure as Shiretalk's first fictional deathmatch: Sauron vs. Voldemort.
I hereby disavow any attempt at objectivity or fairness whatsoever, for obvious reasons. I trust no one will complain, though, as this really isn't a fair fight to begin with. It's just funny. Anyway -- an introduction for the combatants.
Now, obviously we'll have to put Voldemort and Sauron up against each other in corporeal form, otherwise we're bound to get tangled up in arguments of what powers they'll have, which minions are allowed, how many, etc. etc., which would require entirely too much effort for a battle this one-sided. For the sake of generosity, let's give Voldemort the home-field advantage. As he doesn't seem to have a single stronghold or other such headquarters (what kind of hack is this guy, anyway?), we'll say that's pretty much anywhere but Mordor. Hell, let's even give him the element of surprise, for good measure.
So, here's Sauron, strolling down the lane, minding his own Dark-Lordly business, day-dreaming of all the myriad ways he could enslave the known world, when out jumps Lord Voldemort, wand at the ready. "What's this," wonders Sauron, "another poncy Elf trying to steal my jewelry? Wait, what's with his nose? It's, like, not there..."
At this point, attempting to engage Sauron in combat, Voldemort might attempt to hurl some of those flashy lights from his wand accompanied by distorted Latin phrases, perhaps even that most dreaded spell in all of the Potter-verse -- the Killing Curse (which sounds suspiciously like the most common utterance of every amateur magician on the planet; wonder if that's ever gone wrong for any of their pet rabbits...).
Well, after the smoke has cleared, we might expect to find Sauron's empty armor lying in heap at Voldemort's feet. It was, after all, the Killing Curse. Whoa.
But, much to Voldemort's chagrin, we find Sauron, standing quite as he was, halted in his tracks, swatting those obnoxious lighting effects out of his eyes. It apparently takes more than a conjurer of cheap tricks to rub out the fucking Dark Lord of Mordor, Enemy of the Free Peoples of Middle-earth. Who knew?
Now, Sauron can only assume that this puny human's action was an attack, ineffective though it was, and as such should generate a reaction of equal or surpassing prejudice. Depending on Sauron's current disposition, I foresee two possibilities: if he's up for a bit of fun and games, he might decide to enslave Voldemort with his unmatched strength of will (augmented by the Ring), forcing him to, say, jump into the Crack of Doom, or drink bleach, or otherwise dispose of himself in some unpleasant manner. Or maybe Sauron's just not in the mood for nancing about, in which case this will likely happen. After which, the Lord of the Rings will almost certainly brush his shoulders off.
Major bummer for Voldemort, eh? But he shouldn't feel too bad -- it happens to even the greatest of Elves and Men. At any rate, the lesson learned for upstart little wizards with delusions of grandeur is: Sauron will fuck your shit up.
Result: Sauron wins through sheer willpower and/or giant spiky mace of doom, combined with general awesomeness. Check out a similar result on YouTube (note the Terminator 2 soundtrack over Sauron).
Next time I'll try for a more evenly-matched pair, I promise.