Monday, January 4, 2010

Who would win in a fight - Sauron or Voldemort?

And now for something completely different... Drawing on the classic geek tradition of pitting two sci-fi/fantasy characters against one another to determine superiority, I give you Sure as Shiretalk's first fictional deathmatch: Sauron vs. Voldemort.

I hereby disavow any attempt at objectivity or fairness whatsoever, for obvious reasons. I trust no one will complain, though, as this really isn't a fair fight to begin with. It's just funny. Anyway -- an introduction for the combatants.

Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor, is the embodiment of evil in The Lord of the Rings and several other works by J. R. R. Tolkien. He is an ancient supernatural being, often likened in form to an angel or a lesser god, who possesses immeasurable physical and spiritual power and commands countless thousands of the foulest and most cruel creatures in Middle-earth through sheer force of will. His stronghold in the land of Mordor is nearly impenetrable; in single combat, only four opponents in his long history have bested him, and even then the defeat was only a brief respite from his repeated attempts to cover all the world in darkness. He is the maker of the One Ring of Power, arguably the most powerful force of corruption and domination in all sci-fi/fantasy writing. Plus, he's got that badass spiky armor and is clearly watching us from outer space.

Voldemort of J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter novels is an orphaned, emotionally unstable villain who, after receiving training at a magic school somewhere in the mysterious uncharted wilderness of England, decides he's pissed at the world (or something) and goes on a killing spree after gathering equally angsty and/or racist-against-normal-people followers to his nondescript cause. Then, when he hears about a child being born who might be able to stop him being such a wanker, he tries to off the kid before he's old enough defend himself. In a flash of brightly-colored magic and glaring plot inconsistency, he's disembodied and goes into hiding for some 10 years, after which he is repeatedly foiled by a handful of teenagers in his attempts to just get back into some kind of body.

Now, obviously we'll have to put Voldemort and Sauron up against each other in corporeal form, otherwise we're bound to get tangled up in arguments of what powers they'll have, which minions are allowed, how many, etc. etc., which would require entirely too much effort for a battle this one-sided. For the sake of generosity, let's give Voldemort the home-field advantage. As he doesn't seem to have a single stronghold or other such headquarters (what kind of hack is this guy, anyway?), we'll say that's pretty much anywhere but Mordor. Hell, let's even give him the element of surprise, for good measure.

So, here's Sauron, strolling down the lane, minding his own Dark-Lordly business, day-dreaming of all the myriad ways he could enslave the known world, when out jumps Lord Voldemort, wand at the ready. "What's this," wonders Sauron, "another poncy Elf trying to steal my jewelry? Wait, what's with his nose? It's, like, not there..."

At this point, attempting to engage Sauron in combat, Voldemort might attempt to hurl some of those flashy lights from his wand accompanied by distorted Latin phrases, perhaps even that most dreaded spell in all of the Potter-verse -- the Killing Curse (which sounds suspiciously like the most common utterance of every amateur magician on the planet; wonder if that's ever gone wrong for any of their pet rabbits...).

Well, after the smoke has cleared, we might expect to find Sauron's empty armor lying in heap at Voldemort's feet. It was, after all, the Killing Curse. Whoa.

But, much to Voldemort's chagrin, we find Sauron, standing quite as he was, halted in his tracks, swatting those obnoxious lighting effects out of his eyes. It apparently takes more than a conjurer of cheap tricks to rub out the fucking Dark Lord of Mordor, Enemy of the Free Peoples of Middle-earth. Who knew?

Now, Sauron can only assume that this puny human's action was an attack, ineffective though it was, and as such should generate a reaction of equal or surpassing prejudice. Depending on Sauron's current disposition, I foresee two possibilities: if he's up for a bit of fun and games, he might decide to enslave Voldemort with his unmatched strength of will (augmented by the Ring), forcing him to, say, jump into the Crack of Doom, or drink bleach, or otherwise dispose of himself in some unpleasant manner. Or maybe Sauron's just not in the mood for nancing about, in which case this will likely happen. After which, the Lord of the Rings will almost certainly brush his shoulders off.

Major bummer for Voldemort, eh? But he shouldn't feel too bad -- it happens to even the greatest of Elves and Men. At any rate, the lesson learned for upstart little wizards with delusions of grandeur is: Sauron will fuck your shit up.

Result: Sauron wins through sheer willpower and/or giant spiky mace of doom, combined with general awesomeness. Check out a similar result on YouTube (note the Terminator 2 soundtrack over Sauron).

Next time I'll try for a more evenly-matched pair, I promise.


  1. Yeah, a bit unfair but then again, what else am i to expect from you? The villian from your favourite (or at least top 1) franchise against his equivalent from the leading competitor to it in modern day cinema. Maybe you should sum up why the phantom menace is crap. and do it in less time than this guy:

    Who does make some good comments, but some seriously flawed ones too. Also it is very funny.


  2. hilarious post! I was a big HP fan until I read Lotr :P