Deathmatch -- Aliens vs. The Terminator

Deathmatch #2 here at Sure as Shiretalk has come around, and this time we're featuring a pair of sci-fi favorites in contrast to last time's fantasy characters. This one came up between my roommates and I after I purchased the first three Alien films recently. So, here it is: Aliens vs. The Terminator. Let's meet the combatants.

Disclaimer: I have not read, nor do I intend to read, the comic titled "Aliens versus Predator versus The Terminator."

Cyberdyne Systems Model 101, The Terminator

"That Terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead."

Thus spake Sgt. Kyle Reese to Sarah Connor concerning her pursuer in 1984's The Terminator. The T800 is a highly intelligent sentient computer system housed inside a humanoid titanium alloy combat chassis. Virtually invulnerable to projectile weapons, this model Terminator basically needs to be decapitated before you can be sure it's done for -- or you at least need to make sure you smash that computer chip in its head.

Also, the Arnold version wears shades, rides a Harley, and wields a shotgun one-handed.

The Xenomorph, Alien

"You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? The perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility... A survivor, unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality."

Ash was certainly right about that in 1979's Alien. An organism that can survive intense heat, cold, and the vacuum of space without showing any signs of discomfort is certainly more structurally perfect than most. Nevermind that it has molecular acid (<-- not real, btw) for blood, which can apparently eat through basically any substance in moments (but takes considerably longer with Michael Biehn's skin... what a badass). They're also great predators, meaning they're stealthy, strong, and quite a bit smarter than your average bear.

Well, let's assume a couple of things: the Terminator is armed, and there are multiple Aliens. I hope we can all agree that, should the Terminator gain a vantage point from which he is more or less inaccessible, he wins by pumping them all full of hot lead. The Aliens are apparently vulnerable to normal gunfire, and a few good shots generally takes them out, acid blood a-splashing every-goddamn-where. Up close and personal might be a different story, though.

Given that the Terminator is made of titanium, I'm going to go ahead and say that skull-bashing thing from the Aliens' jaws-inside-the-jaws is just going to break some teeth. They also probably won't be able to do a lot of damage with their claws or that spiky tail, again because Terminators are pretty much solid as a rock.

However, in order to kill any of them, the Terminator is probably going to have to start breaking some skin, and that could lead to some serious battle damage. Like, Arnold-at-the-end-of-T2 battle damage. If he gets mobbed, the Aliens might be able to use their combined strength to just yank him apart, which would of course render him immobile and therefore defeated. Whatever the case, it would be an epic battle worthy of multiple Aliens versus The Terminator films regardless of how increasingly bad they might get.

So, Terminator wins, but with ever-decreasing odds the more Alien blood he spills. Sorry, Aliens, but you're just not quite as perfect against inorganic opponents. [insert xenomorph sadface here]

Btw, I love this picture, and I want to see the movie right now:

Who would win in a fight - Sauron or Voldemort?

And now for something completely different... Drawing on the classic geek tradition of pitting two sci-fi/fantasy characters against one another to determine superiority, I give you Sure as Shiretalk's first fictional deathmatch: Sauron vs. Voldemort.

I hereby disavow any attempt at objectivity or fairness whatsoever, for obvious reasons. I trust no one will complain, though, as this really isn't a fair fight to begin with. It's just funny. Anyway -- an introduction for the combatants.

Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor, is the embodiment of evil in The Lord of the Rings and several other works by J. R. R. Tolkien. He is an ancient supernatural being, often likened in form to an angel or a lesser god, who possesses immeasurable physical and spiritual power and commands countless thousands of the foulest and most cruel creatures in Middle-earth through sheer force of will. His stronghold in the land of Mordor is nearly impenetrable; in single combat, only four opponents in his long history have bested him, and even then the defeat was only a brief respite from his repeated attempts to cover all the world in darkness. He is the maker of the One Ring of Power, arguably the most powerful force of corruption and domination in all sci-fi/fantasy writing. Plus, he's got that badass spiky armor and is clearly watching us from outer space.

Voldemort of J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter novels is an orphaned, emotionally unstable villain who, after receiving training at a magic school somewhere in the mysterious uncharted wilderness of England, decides he's pissed at the world (or something) and goes on a killing spree after gathering equally angsty and/or racist-against-normal-people followers to his nondescript cause. Then, when he hears about a child being born who might be able to stop him being such a wanker, he tries to off the kid before he's old enough defend himself. In a flash of brightly-colored magic and glaring plot inconsistency, he's disembodied and goes into hiding for some 10 years, after which he is repeatedly foiled by a handful of teenagers in his attempts to just get back into some kind of body.

Now, obviously we'll have to put Voldemort and Sauron up against each other in corporeal form, otherwise we're bound to get tangled up in arguments of what powers they'll have, which minions are allowed, how many, etc. etc., which would require entirely too much effort for a battle this one-sided. For the sake of generosity, let's give Voldemort the home-field advantage. As he doesn't seem to have a single stronghold or other such headquarters (what kind of hack is this guy, anyway?), we'll say that's pretty much anywhere but Mordor. Hell, let's even give him the element of surprise, for good measure.

So, here's Sauron, strolling down the lane, minding his own Dark-Lordly business, day-dreaming of all the myriad ways he could enslave the known world, when out jumps Lord Voldemort, wand at the ready. "What's this," wonders Sauron, "another poncy Elf trying to steal my jewelry? Wait, what's with his nose? It's, like, not there..."

At this point, attempting to engage Sauron in combat, Voldemort might attempt to hurl some of those flashy lights from his wand accompanied by distorted Latin phrases, perhaps even that most dreaded spell in all of the Potter-verse -- the Killing Curse (which sounds suspiciously like the most common utterance of every amateur magician on the planet; wonder if that's ever gone wrong for any of their pet rabbits...).

Well, after the smoke has cleared, we might expect to find Sauron's empty armor lying in heap at Voldemort's feet. It was, after all, the Killing Curse. Whoa.

But, much to Voldemort's chagrin, we find Sauron, standing quite as he was, halted in his tracks, swatting those obnoxious lighting effects out of his eyes. It apparently takes more than a conjurer of cheap tricks to rub out the fucking Dark Lord of Mordor, Enemy of the Free Peoples of Middle-earth. Who knew?

Now, Sauron can only assume that this puny human's action was an attack, ineffective though it was, and as such should generate a reaction of equal or surpassing prejudice. Depending on Sauron's current disposition, I foresee two possibilities: if he's up for a bit of fun and games, he might decide to enslave Voldemort with his unmatched strength of will (augmented by the Ring), forcing him to, say, jump into the Crack of Doom, or drink bleach, or otherwise dispose of himself in some unpleasant manner. Or maybe Sauron's just not in the mood for nancing about, in which case this will likely happen. After which, the Lord of the Rings will almost certainly brush his shoulders off.

Major bummer for Voldemort, eh? But he shouldn't feel too bad -- it happens to even the greatest of Elves and Men. At any rate, the lesson learned for upstart little wizards with delusions of grandeur is: Sauron will fuck your shit up.

Result: Sauron wins through sheer willpower and/or giant spiky mace of doom, combined with general awesomeness. Check out a similar result on YouTube (note the Terminator 2 soundtrack over Sauron).

Next time I'll try for a more evenly-matched pair, I promise.